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Rich Stoned John's
FLYING IN THE GUTTERS
A Satire
Rich Checks out Neal Adams' new Batsuit, maxes out an Identity Crisis, looks at a CNN fiasco, interviews Michael Netzer and much much more.
FITG 2,004,130. Welcome to the two millionth, four thousand one hundred and thirtieth chapter in the latest volume of the longest running verified gossip column in the world - and also in comics. I verify everything with my parrot, Napoleon, who says yes to everything I write here or else I don't let him out of his cage to conquer anything. Over four hundred and twelve years, damnit and I'm still using the same keyboard I had back in 1592! Written by British sensationalist, me, damnit again for added measure, and I am none other than the Richest Stoned John to last this long in comics and I certainly have inhaled. How else would you expect me to keep coming up with this nonsense? It's read by comic book professionals, the ones who've learnt how to read. The rest just look at the pictures. It's also read by readers but it's not read by writers or inkers or anybody else. Loved and hated equally - sometimes, and other times I could give a damn about equality - every Monday (ish) it brings the stories and (ishes) not-quite-ready-for-primetime or even for this column, but when Monday (ishes) come around, you'll read whatever the hell I d(ish) out to you. A look behind the curtain, a peak under the skirt, and a sniff of the poo-poo-doo, I am the kinkiest with the worst that anything in comics can conspire. Go in with a blotter, a sugar cube or a magic mushroom to keep your eyes open, shut down your engines inside of that skull because it won't help you to think about anything here and get some room freshener, for God's sake, this place stinks.
As for the lights, RED means that you'd better stop reading and wait for the green or else a green reader is gonna read all over you. AMBER signifies a state of limbo where you can't stop reading but can't continue reading either. GREEN means you'd better keep on reading or else somebody's likely to rear-end your sorry ass with his reading. If I'm having an off day then the lights won't work and all hell breaks loose. It wouldn't be the first time.
BITS AND PIECES
Neal Adams makes a new suit for Batman. Netzer and Nasser duke it out in Identity Crisis at TALK@Newsarama. CronComic reports it at CNN. Nasser denies he's not Netzer and gives away his secret identity.
Interview:
MICHAEL NETZER SPEAKS
Rich: First, Mike, I'm glad you understood my good intentions with the SON OF ZEAL article about your first web site. Your new web site is something else, though. As you know, I brush elbows with a lot of higher ups in comics and I can tell you that you've raised some eyebrows with it. Seems to a lot of creators and industry pros that you've shown what a well charted course you tread and have presented your ideas in a more operative light. Are you aware of how seriously the comics industry is taking your message?
Michael: Yes.
Rich: Good. Let's talk about The Comic book Creator's Party . At first it seemed that you're strong arming the entire comics industry in that you're making it appear that we're all behind you on this. Yet, the way you've presented it hasn't really stepped on anyone's toes. You've only quoted certain creator's own well known opinions on the state of affairs in America and the world, but you've put it together in a way to make it appear that it's a collective stand on pertinent issues. Not an easy task and a well done one at that, I'd add. Do you believe that comics creators will eventually stand up to this task and acknowledge that they have an operable idea to work with here? Do you believe that comic book creators will soon begin to come together into some sort of a coherent union in order to present themselves as a viable alternative for a new leadership in America?
Michael: Yes. Yes.
Rich: I thought so. Now about the logistics. The Creators will need some capital to work with and you've presented a way to begin raising it by offering some original art for sale on your web site. At first glance, it appears absurd to ask for 3/4 of a Mil for 8 pages of original art, but as someone who knows what kind of money is exchanging hands between collectors these days, I can tell you that it's not so far fetched. What you've done is show why your work will become much more valuable down the line and you're calling on collectors who have such sums, to invest now and profit later - and to do so for a good cause. I can see that you intend on using the proceeds from the sale for the benefit of the industry, including generous donations to CBLDF and A.C.T.O.R. The only problem I see here is the San Diego Con deadline you're trying to achieve. I know, for example, there's talk among certain circles of trying to raise the funds for purchasing your artwork, but it's not clear that it can be done by your deadline. Now, I know you could extend the deadline after the con and raise the price only slightly, say to One Million Dollars. My question to you is this: Are you open to this possibility?
Michael: Yes.
Rich: Great. So, about comics fandom. You know that comics fans are a crusty bunch of bunkers and they're really just into having a good time with the comics. Now I know you're offering them all a good time by suggesting they begin talking it up on the forums and demanding that the creators whom they admire, get the ball rolling and support the formation of The Comic Book Creator's Party. A lot of them can already sense that they'd have a great time being at the center of world attention by giving rise to the voice of the people from within comics fandom. Do you believe that comics fans will take advantage of the vast web forum network they have in place, in order to spread the awareness of this coming movement and thus nourish it through its early growing stages? Does comics fandom have what it takes to raise this new hope for America and the world? Is comics fandom truly ready for this adventure?
Michael: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Rich: I had no doubt, really. Well that covers almost everything. Oh, one more. We all read your interviews and comments over at Adelaide Comics and Books and I must tell you that everybody's very happy to hear that Neal and you have patched things up. Now, I am the rumor guy in this business and I've heard a juicy one that I'd like to have you confirm. What I've heard is that Neal and you have come up with an operative and workable solution to the problem of gravity, inspired by the work Neal's done on his science project . What I understand is that this solution is within reach today and can change the face of civilization as we know it. I've also heard that you've both agreed to wait until The Comic Book Creator's Party gains some momentum before presenting it to the scientific community, knowing that you'll have more leverage by then and they'll be more likely to pay heed to this idea. This makes a lot of sense to me because I can see how little imagination scientists appear to have and what a vast ability comics artists exhibit in this category. So, can you tell us a little more about this idea now?
Michael: No.
Rich: Of course not. Well, Mike thanks a lot for the great insight and we look forward to hearing a lot more from you in the near future. Have a good one, pal.
DODGING THE DRAFT IN THE GUTTERS
If you've got a story, talk to me. Lots of good it'll do you 'cause I'm not giving you my phone number. Your identity will be blabbed all over the industry because I'm certainly not going to take the rap for your gossip. If you choose a pseudonym I'll tell everybody who you really are anyway and draft you into the GutterLegion and turn you into a demon retoaster poster who spreads my insidious name all over the forums while I raise a toast to every post you make about me. Just tell me where you make the posts so I know who to blame when the lawsuits hit the fan.
There is no way for you to really contact me except through this bogus email address:
mailto: rich@flyingguttersdotcom
Anthrax packages will be returned to sender mixed with a 2 month supply of Dr Scholl's foot powder. Let's see you sort that out.
Don't call me and I won't call you.
Rich Stoned John
FLYING IN THE GUTTERS
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