Michael,

I find that long after I became a baal tshuvah ['holder of the answer' widely known as a return to religious observance] (if one ever actually baals the tshuvah [holds the answer])--which is half my life ago as I am now 46--I still struggle with all the matters and forces that caused me to turn left at that crossroad in the first place.

To wit, Rosh Hashonah--a pair of days I attempt to take seriously and do everything in my power to sincerely dread and take personal stock and so forth--has become, at least this time around (and the last few times that I can recall) a series of small tests of tolerance; tolerating my mother-in-law, my big children, my little children, my wife--nothing severe, just the little things which, when confined to small quarters (trapped, really) grow large; tolerating my neighbors in shul [synogogue]--much more severe from my estimation because I am intolerant by nature and have not chosen these people as shul neighbors and table neighbors, and their chatter (in truth, sometimes even their davening [praying]) is deafening to me, does not allow me to concentrate--which says more about me than them, I know, but gnaws at me nonetheless. I struggle not to engage them, not to give mussar [morals] to people who are having casual and disruptive conversation RIGHT NEXT TO ME during t'fillah [prayer service] because I know that I am not the average man that they are used to and in the world of Meth push does not sometimes come to shove, push BEGS shove, push BEGETS shove, and shove BEGETS havoc. And I do not want to be that violent man.

So yes, my brother Michael, I more than relate to your desire to daven alone and your aversion to public davening and the desire to overcome or reconcile or somesuch. It is ALL a struggle for me. I would be more successful, I believe, as a monk. But the grass is always greener.

As for Crown Heights, as I said to my wife, upon returning from Shachris/Musaf, [Morning services] where both my 20-year-old son and I decided to leave after sitting next to the baal t'fillah [prayer service leader] and *still* not being able to hear a word of Torah learning because of the riotous blur of noise coming from all over the shul (the children's noise was drowned out by the talking adults), "I am learning not to judge--just to criticize." It is not so much a lion's den for me--no one there knows me by face, except for the few who embrace me as a brother. I am seen by the Meshichistim [messianic](the "yechi-niks" as I've come to refer to them) as heroic for poignantly criticizing the self-appointed, post Gimmel-Tamuz [passing away of The Rebbe] Crown Heights "leadership". Their loathing for corporate Chabad far outweighs mine because they live within a struggle (that they perpetuate, of course, and draw strength from, of course) while I stand outside and throw literary darts. And then there is the third column: the sincere shluchim [messengers] and like-minded Chassidim, like my own father-in-law, who seek only to do the work of a simple Jew--to learn and share Torah and spread light and emulate their beloved and sorely missed Rebbe...

Speaking of which, on ervu-RH [eve of the New Year], I brought my children to visit the Ohel, the Rebbe's grave in Queens, where the atmosphere was more circus-like than I've ever seen before (had I known, I'd have stayed away and come another day). There might have been a thousand visitors there in the short time that I stayed. As I was leaving, Yudel Krinsky's car pulled up and he stepped out; Yudel Krinsky, once driver to the Rebbe, now the titular head of Chabad Inc., the man who controls the checkbook, the buildings, the jobs, the press. I was relieved that he wasn't heckled by the crowd, the majority of which are great Krinsky detractors. Instead, they ignored him. Perhaps they didn't recognize him (unlikely). At any rate, I pitied him, this faceless "leader". It was a moment of small revelation for me.

Ktiva Ve'Khatima Tova! [may you be written and sealed with favor into the book of life]

Cliff

* * *

Clifford,

It is a time of confiding and looking at ourselves as objectively as we can, your words inspire, and I likewise identify with every sentiment.

Unlike the events of several years ago, for me, when I returned from the Dead Sea area and walked into the synagogue on a Shabbat eve at the end of davening, into the front area and stood there with my 'staff' proclaiming the coming of the redemption of Israel, the estrangement it caused me and my family being labeled a madman, and my subsequent attempt to use my presence there to teach everyone something whether I truly understood what I was trying to impart or whether anyone was truly listening... unlike those times, I've also become much more seasoned through age and reason. The result is much more respect from most goers and a willingness to confide with a graceful spirit, perhaps because people see that I've not deserted the path I began, but have matured beyond feeling I need to pound any uncalled for Mussar into anyone. The goings on in shul are still difficult to endure at times, but it's becoming easier.

The specific problem I'm faced with here is the often militant spirit of the settlers which expresses itself in the small chatter during davening. Were it easy to discuss a more graceful spirit amongst us without betraying what most here feel is a holy mission of conquering the land, perhaps things would become different. This is what I'm striving for and can clearly see attaining little by little. But the road is long and the tolerance comes with swallowing many frogs in the process, as the local saying goes. It's all an indication of a shortcoming of mine, I know. But in these days, it perhaps becomes easier to admit this and strive to smooth out the personal rough edges.

On a slightly related aside, I've been involved in a theology discussion at Millarworld, amongst a predominantly Christian (though not necessarily religious) group discussing Jesus. Today I wrote a compelling short essay there that puts together how I understand the story and the implications it has for both Jews and Christians in our time, to the background of the developing discussion. The first link below is the specific post I'm referring to. The entire 5 pages of the discussion can be seen in the second link. No special registration needed, it's open for everyone to see.

The latest short essay.

The beginning of the thread. Some interesting exposition along the way, particularly a re-telling of the story of Adam and Eve.

Fraternally, Ktiva Ve'Khatima Tova!

Michael